Eek, everything reminds me of me today!!!

On the back of a book entitled Why Girls Are Weird...

"When Anna Koval starts posting partially fabricated stories about her life in Austin on the Internet, she hardly imagines anyone beside her friend Dale is going to read them. Teaching herself HTML just seemed like a way to kill time at her library job...."

The picture on the cover features a frumpishly dressed woman with a cat on her lap...

It is not just me. Coworkers were overheard to remark upon seeing the cover... "Oh, a book about Sarah..."

Eek... From the news about the guy who blew up..

Friends of deliveryman robber don't find him capable of heist

ERIE, Pa. (AP) — Living in a rented cottage with hand-me-down furniture and three cats, Brian Douglas Wells was content to deliver pizzas 27 hours a week and spend much of his free time listening to his stereo. Money, say his friends, never meant much to him.....

With a few changes we could have...

Friends of pizza eater don't find her capable of heist

West Carrollton, OH (AP) — Living in a rented apartment with hand-me-down furniture and 5 cats, Sarah was content to eat an occasional pizza and spend much of her free time listening to herself nap. Money, say her friends, never meant much to her...

Woo-hoo! Unmaterialistic cat owners can commit crimes without suspicion (but we are going to sound kinda loserish in our news stories...)

Help! My rat May is suffering from domestic abuse. Mean old April (my rat, not my human friend) chews on May and pulls out her hair. She also tries to keep May from getting any of the good food, even if she herself has plenty at the moment. Well, actually, all rats do that and it is really hilarious. You hand one rat some food and she puts it in her mouth and then rushes over and tries to grab the food you are handing to the other rat. If successful, the rat tries to stuff the newly stolen food in her mouth but finds it is already full. This is particular funny with chocolate covered peanuts. This food thievery is only a problem for these two since the fat and robust April easily dominates skinny sickly May (mycoplasma, the scourge of rathood...)

I tried separating them, but rats are like people. They don't necessarily get along well with others, but they don't want to be alone, either. So, when I put them in separate cages, they look bored and sad. And then when I open both cages and let them roam at their pleasure, April goes to sit in May's cage for awhile while May walks around the table. Eventually they both end up going to the same cage to snuggle up for a nap. So then, they look so cute and happy that I hate to return them to their separate cages. I never see April actually beat up May, but something must be going on for May to have those sores. Me and the cats didn't do it and I don't think that May can bite herself on the back on her neck. Hmm, the cats. Last night Elsa did swipe May off the dining room table! A terrible assault on a sickly and weak creature. Elsa does have a mean streak... I yelled at Elsa extensively so hopefully she won't do it again. Luckily, May's indomitable spirit prevailed. When I put her back on the table she quickly waddled back over to the edge where Elsa swatted her off. I am surrounded by weirdos...

Last night I dreamed that I took two of my cats (Elsa and Phantom, I think...) to the vet to see if they were suitable candidates for a...cat foreign exchange program! Apparently, they passed their veternarian examinations and I was told to take them to the airport to fly them to someplace like Brazil in January. At first I was excited about this in my dream, but then I started to wonder if why on earth I would consider shipping my cats to Brazil? To share the wonder of my cats with others?! To expand the cats' horizons? Right before I woke up I started to worry that the Brazilian person was going to send me his/her cats... I always try to figure out what dreams mean... I think this one might have been sparked by reading a Dear Abby column about a husband who is obsessed with his visiting foreign exchange student. Also in way of explanation, yesterday when I woke up, I had three cats snuggled in my arms with their noses up by my face. I thought about how lucky I was to be greeted by so many friendly eyes in the morning. But then again that night, I was thinking how unlucky I am to rarely get to read in bed in peace without Bean sticking his nose under my book or Blacky kneading my stomach.

Then I dreamed that I systematically hunted down and killed all my blog readers with a knitting needle.*



*Just kidding...

Ah, the desire to control others is so very strong...

So, sign this...

On an unrelated note, this is why I love the Internet...

I think that my sister might be right about the identity of Spanky... Give us some hints, Spanky!!

Sarah malady of the day...a headache. I have some new martini glasses courtesy of Lee (oops, I think I am suppose to share them with Spinsters With Cats) so I decided that since a martini glass is smaller than a wine glass, I would drink less if I used the martini glass. So, naturally, it being so small, I kept filling it up while assuring myself that though I was drinking lots of glasses of wine, I was not actually consuming that much wine. When I woke up this morning with a headache, I started to suspect that a martini glass is not that much smaller than a wine glass. To test the theory, I poured a martini glass full of water into a measuring cup. Eek. My headache was quickly explained... I was never good at judging volume by the size of the container. Please yeasties!!! Forgive me for the misjudgment. It will not happen again.

OMG OMG OMG! Go to Google and type in "Spinsters With Cat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" We are famous!!! Oh my, I didn't even try Yahoo. BRB. Geez, we are on Yahoo too! All thanks to the fine efforts of Spinster With Cats webmaster April (I did have to pester her for about an hour to get her to put aside her favorite activity, playing the stupid game Stickit...) We have a web presence!!! Google and Yahoo also found my blog unbidden, maybe because I link to Spinsters with Cats or vice versa? No more seditious or libelous talk for me now, I suppose, now that I am in the public eye. Obscurity, I didn't appreciate you and now you are lost...

I had a weird experience with my heart last night. As you all know, the sound of a ringing phone freaks me out at all hours, but especially when I am asleep. Well, last night I ate a lot so I could clunk out really really early. Disappointingly, the phone rang just after I went to sleep. As usual, my heart started racing, and I must have flopped my arm across my chest in an uncharacteristic manner (I was lying on my side) because suddenly, my heart felt like a little creature trapped in my chest. I could feel it clenching and unclenching itself so clearly and sort of hear (probably more like feel) the squishing blood. It was a kind of freaky feeling, but it quickly subsided...

Ooh, a beautifully overcast day!

Woo-hoo! This is the first day of my new early schedule at work! Ah, the possibilities to fill the evening! I could watch TV, read, take a walk, pet my kitties, eat a lot so I clunk out really really early... Ooh, I really like the last option!! The new veggie burger at BW3's is pretty good if one is hungry.

When Pat Buchanan is an itty bit optimistic about something, it is time to be scared...

It is not for no reason that Sarah is considered the family lowbrow (unless you go over to the Hibbs side where the competition is extremely strong...hehehehehe...)... However, I must say for the first time in my long life I have found a poet that I like! Well, other than T.S. Eliot but that is probably just 'cause all depressives identify with "The Wasteland." Anyway, I guess others like him too since he is the Poet Laureate of the U.S. - Billy Collins. Anyway, you all simply must read this the funniest poem ever. (The Country is the title.)

I have been reading a book which just happens to be about a heroic spinster...with a cat! The book is "The Hiding Place" by Corrie Ten Bloom, a Dutch woman whose great faith in spinsterhood and cats...erm, I mean God...led her to risk her and her family members necks hiding Jewish people from the the Nazis in WWII. She is the good kind of spinster! One with a dramatic story of lost love that led to eternal spinsterhood. She fell in love with a real loser who seemed to return her affections...for a time. Though he never actually proposed, they talked about how many children they would have (pretty racy talk for the time, I am sure) so she was pretty sure a proposal was imminent...until he showed up to pay respects to her family with his fiance! Now, to be fair, Corrie's own brother told her early on that the man would never marry her because his whole family hung their hopes on him marrying for money, but Corrie was living by a river in Egypt!!! The Nile! Heheheehe. (Denial, get it??) After this heartbreak, she embraced spinsterhood. Which is a much better story than, "oh, I guess I just never wanted to marry anyone who wanted to marry me..."

Unfortunately, Maher Shalal Hashbaz (the cat) does not figure into the story very prominently so far... Corrie just worries about what became of the cat (and the Jews left behind in the secret hiding place) after the whole household was arrested. Hopefully, the Jews got out safely and remembered to let the cat out too... But, I fear the worst...

Guess how many places I have lived since I was 14 year old? 14! What a coincidence. Oh, the funny letters I found when I was digging through old letters trying to find my old addresses. It is sad that I will not have funny letters from you all NOW THAT YOU DON"T SEND ME ANY! Ah, that is the sad thing about email... No more snail mail to be thrown in a box to shock and amuse 20 years later...

Woo-hoo! I have had a very inspired evening! For about 4 years, I have been thinking that I should get a social security card with my name spelled correctly and fill out the OH bar application in case I ever want to take the bar. Tonight, I printed out the applications for both! Goooooooooo Sarah! What will I do next? Does anyone have his/her old address book from 1992? I have to list all my addresses since I was fourteen on the bar application!!! I can't remember the address for the place I lived with Beth Anne in Atlanta in 1992. Lemme know if you have the address! If I can't figure it out, you might have to drive on over there, Summer!

Ashcroft is an idiot. The only thing that he could do to increase support for the PATRIOT Act is act like he no longer likes it... Geez, where did he go to elementary school...

Phantom was back this morning! Normally she is so drugged out on her phenobarbital that she is not really herself. She doesn't do a very good job of cleaning her fur and she sleeps much more than normal cats (it scarcely seems possible...) The medicine also dulls her extremely friendly personality. Before she started to take the medicine, she was totally tireless in her efforts of be petted... Last night, I fell asleep and forgot to give her the medicine, so this morning I was awakened by the phenobarb-free friendly Phantom of old who demands to be petted by womping me on the my cheek with her paw. She womped me until I woke up and petted her. The rountine is that when I stop petting her, she womps me on the cheek until I pet her again. This continues until she tired of being petted. So, it looks like we are taking turns petting each other! It is the cutest thing. I really need to tape it for one of those America's funniest pet videos shows! I wanted to get up and tape it this morning but my hair looked terrible and I couldn't waste lots of time because I had to give her the medicine before she had a seizure.

But, it was nice to have my kitty back for a few minutes. An hour later, she was a drugged slug again. Maybe one fine day her seizures will disappear as mysteriously as they came. Her vet says it is entirely possible.

Today I went to the Humane Society and played with kitties! Then, I went to watch LeTonda's niece and nephew play their sports. It was a kitty and kiddy filled day! I tried to tackle LeTonda and she clunked me on the ground twice... Eek. I need to work on my technique...

I have been wasting so much time on Spinsters With Cats that I have been neglecting you, my little bloggy...

But on to wasting more time... We had our second Spinsters With Cats meeting last night. The meeting was surprisingly well attended - 7 people (though not everyone was there at the same time...) Apparently, spinsters with cats are financially flighty because no one felt herself sufficiently reliable to be treasurer... Personally, I don't know what kind of influx of cash they are expecting through t-shirt sales, a kissing booth, and cat treat sales... But, I have to admit, the Spinsters With Cats t-shirt prototypes are pretty darn cute....so, wildfire-like sales are not totally out of the question!

We did decide to use all sales/fundraising proceeds for charitable purposes. I introduced this idea because I figured we could more stuff if we assure folks that the money would not be squandered on spinster strip club nights or beer for Sarah. Sadly, SWC seems to be a noteably non-drinking group (though, one member did barf in a fellow member's car just last week...)

We created a few more club officers, the silliest of which is the How to Remain A Spinster Sex Tips Coordinator (or something like that...) My suggestion was to have an officer in charge of interesting website content in general, but this was shot down... Despite the fact that I came up with the sex tips this idea, I think that we shouldn't have anything too racy because we don't want to offend any potential donors or paraphenalia (sp?) purchasers...

The meeting was so action packed that we did not get to some important items on the agenda...the fall formal, a position statement on psychoactive drugs for cats, automatic expulsion of member for practicing or advocating the practice of beastiality, rejection of candidates for membership who divorce solely to join SWC (it can only be a minor factor...)

On a unrelated note, co-worker Paul has gotten yet another compliment on his newly slimmer physique and he failed to credit Sarah for the diet tip that made it all possible! How quickly they forget...

Sarah's thoughts have been so boring lately that she has not bothered to share... Plus, I have been busy with Spinsters With Cats activities. Right now, April and I are trying to make our site show up in search engines like Google and Yahoo. I submitted the site to Google a couple of hours ago but so far nothing has happened. April is too busy playing the world's most mind bogglingly boring video game (called Stickit) to help with the effort this evening.

Sarah's thoughts have been so boring lately that she has not bothered to share... Plus, I have been busy with Spinsters With Cats activities. Right now, April and I are trying to make our site show up in search engines like Google and Yahoo. I submitted the site to Google a couple of hours ago but so far nothing has happened. April is too busy playing the world's most mind bogglingly boring video game (called Stickit) to help with the effort this evening.

As I said in my last post, the chicken might come home to roost if you harm rodents (or are just a plain idiot..)... http://www.igorilla.com/gorilla/animal/2002/python_strangles_owner2.html

I have been doing some summer/fall cleaning the last few weekends... Today I came across a diary that escaped the mass diary destruction of my mid twenties. I actually do not remember when I chunked the diaries in the dumpster... This one might have been written after that. Actually, I am pretty sure that it was... I threw my diaries away because I could not stand the thought that someone would read them after my death and discover what I disturbed individual I was. Erm, luckily, I am better now. Anyway, this excerpt will show why the diaries had to be destroyed...

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10/31/1997

I think that it is too late to give an accurate account of the lives of Pinky, Slinky, and Arthur. Much shall be a romanticization since I began this effort so belatedly. I want to write a narrative of their little lives before they are gone and I can't remember their names, like the hamsters of my youth. Or, more likely, I will name all my subsequent rats Pinky and I will get the all confused. (NOTE TO READERS FROM 2003 - The prophecy came true! Over the years I kept renaming my rats the same names...) I want to remember them all as they were when I read this later.

I think that I first hit upon the idea of getting rats when I was at a doctor's or dentist's office. One of the magazines was called "Furry Animals" or "Critters" or something. The magazine article described various pet rodents and said that rats made the best pets because they were both smart and affectionate. I really don't believe I ever had a thought about getting a pet rat before that moment. I do not remember how much time elapsed before I acted.

I am going to leave the scribbling table for a moment to do some historical resarch. I am going to go over and look in my filing cabinet to see if I can find the receipt for Pinky's purchase. "Purchase." Hee hee. What a word to describe getting a pet.

As often happens in life, a great moment escaped documentation. I guess one never knows how much a pet is going to mean to one. I guess it is like buying what later becomes your favorite shirt. Rarely does one recognize it when one sees it.

Anyway, my mind conceived of purchasing a rat in the latter half of June, 1996. I really only remember the date because Pinky escaped (or was captured, I can't remember which) on July 4th, 1996. (NOTE TO READERS: Truly a weird story that I did not see fit to elaborate on at the time... I lost Pinky outside and several days later I saw her outside and recaptured her! What were the odds!?!)

I remember that Aaron Frank was going to accompany me to pick out my rat. However, a friend of his came by his apartment and stayed so long that the pet store closed. So, I went the next day alone. I had called several pet stores to locate some baby rats. I think that I had to call several places.

Avondale Mall in midtown had a pet store that had some "young rats." I asked about baby rats, but they seemed to be confused by the concept. I went into the pet store and didn't see any rats around. They had them in the back in this icky closet like room.

They had three sizes of rats - small, medium and large. I suppose that these characterizations had something to do with their value as food for snakes with sicko owners. We wonder why people are so cruel to each other when this sort of barbarism is considered socially acceptable. Ask not why you are the victim of random violence, snake owner... Enough social commentary. Anyway, I was disgusted with the place and their treatment of the rats. Just right now I remember the disgust I felt toward the sales girl. She was ugly and fat and had dyed hair. I remember wondering if she even liked animals....

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It continues in this vein for a long long time... Apparently, I must have exhausted myself because the next entry is six months later!

Things have gone downhill. I am now having auditory hallucinations. This morning I was awakened by the phone (something I hate on Sunday mornings in any event...) so I pressed the pillow down on my head to drown out the phone. Then, I heard someone say "Sarah" pretty close to where I was, in my bed. Since I didn't expect anyone to be in my apartment, I sort of woke up and looked around. I even got up and checked the answering machine, though I knew that it was not a voice from that because I can't hear it from my room anyway. There was no message at all so I looked outside of my open window and there was no one there. I hope I don't receive some sort of message tomorrow in which the next word is "kill..."

I would have thought it was my friend Dan because he has a key to my apartment and often comes in and wakes me up by saying "Sarah" but it wasn't his voice and he doesn't normally run away when I get up anyway. And, he came over a few hours later and said "Sarah" as he normally does and he denied that he came over earlier. It definitely was the voice of an unknown person, anyway. A male voice, I believe.

I wish I had some Doritos now...